NEUROTYPICAL WIFE: WHY AM I SO STUPID?

 

Love is blind & You’re defective

 

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As I have shared in my previous posts about how we came to be, you know that John and I did not simply run into one another at a random Starbucks by chance.  We met under very unique circumstances that may not be so unique if we were to survey NT/Aspie couples in existence today.

If you have read the highly regarded book,  The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband(Finch, 2012), you will see that David Finch and his wife Kristen also came together after she had suffered a devastating loss when the man she loved died suddenly.  I do not think it is coincidence that they share a similar foundation to myself and John, as it seems those occurrences in life create a perfect breeding ground for an NT woman to fall for an Aspie partner.

Most outsiders look at the online venting of an NT woman and feel justified pointing out that “they knew what they were getting into” when they moved in with, had children with, or married their Aspie partner and should therefore stop complaining or whining.  These same snarky “do-gooders” who troll the internet to comment on a subject they know nothing about, are always quick to point out that it is the obnoxious ramblings of these NT women who give Asperger adults a bad rap.  They proclaim that these desperate and exhausted women are the obvious problem and that it is clearly their doing that creates an unhappy marriage, especially since it unarguably began so well.

What these ignorant people (be them angry trollers or Aspies themselves) do not understand is how these relationships usually develop in the first place.  If this was addressed by professionals more, or the NT spouse could articulate why they are searching, writing, or commenting on articles and posts with such passion; perhaps the “slanderous comments” about adults with Aspergers could be avoided and true progress made.

There is a reason NT women feel so inundated with frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, and feelings of betrayal months, or even years after entering into a relationship with an Aspie mate.  The very qualities that made him seem so perfect for the NT woman initially, become the light bulb that illuminates to tell her something is terribly wrong months or years later.

It has ZERO do with this woman being blind or consciously ignoring the warning signs or true character of her chosen partner in the beginning; it has EVERYTHING to do with the dynamic between two defective individuals on polar opposite ends of the empathy continuum and the misinterpretations of reality that originally exists because of this.

I know that everyone loves being referred to as “defective” especially those with Aspergers who have been attempting to fight the general feeling that people view them in this light their entire lives.  I consciously utilize this term and will continue to do so throughout my posts in the future to highlight exactly what “defective” means to the rest of the world and why it is not a bad thing to be defective against society’s norm all the time.

The general definition of defective is: Falling below the norm in structure or in mental and physical form; imperfect in form or function. I think we can all agree that Aspies fall below the norm in regard to empathetic function (if you disagree you will probably want to leave my blog altogether now).  Has anyone stopped to consider that an NT-e (See: HAM TERMSalso falls into the defective category since their excessive use of empathetic function is imperfect in the way it adversely affects their lives?  I think defective can rapidly equate to “broken” if it is not understood and embraced.  Right now, many NT-e and Aspie couples are broken and therefore their defect is negative.  Repairing the break ultimately alters the meaning of the term and the impact it will have on our marriages.

John is an incredibly brilliant man (as I will repeatedly say) and one of the things he has always managed to entertain and amuse me with are his random facts about defective things and the financial reward one can reap by recognizing them.  Huh?  John looks at coins.  He got me looking at coins.  The most valuable pieces a collector seeks are often ones that have a defect in them, coins especially.  There are coins with defective mint marks or stampings that are worth millions of dollars.  There are a ton of defective products out there that would be disregarded or disposed of by the average person that a collector would be overjoyed to own because they are so profoundly valuable.

Malaria has been a longstanding killer of children worldwide for many decades.  The same genetic defect that causes sickle-cell disease in certain populations including those who simply carry the trait, has also provided a natural immunity to malaria, saving countless lives in malaria-stricken parts of the world.  An excessive buildup of cholesterol in blood vessels kills hundreds of thousands of people each year.  There exists individuals who are lacking working copies of a gene known as PCSK9 (a genetic defect) who are absolutely immune to the adverse effect the over consumption of cholesterol would cause in a “normal” person.  Some people have a genetic defect that disables their copies of the CCR5 protein making them entirely resistant to developing HIV.  Indigenous Siberians have a genetic defect that makes their basal metabolic rate 50% higher than the “norm” as well as fewer sweat glands on their body (and more on their face) enabling them to comfortably exist in sub-zero temperature climates that would rapidly kill the “normal” population of the world.  Some people have a mutated DEC2 gene that allows them to gain more intense REM sleep states than the “norm.”  This defect enables them to thrive with minimal amounts of sleep that would render the “normal” person useless and so cognitively impaired they would be unable to complete even the simplest task requiring coordinated motor function.               

So you tell me, does “defective” always mean “bad”?                                                                                                     

Are you TRACKING yet?

Going back to how an NT and Aspie come to co-exist and gravitate toward one another when logic suggests they should be inclined to do the opposite… it is important to look at the initial state of mind of the NT partner.  Again, consider first that most women who marry a man with undiagnosed Aspergers are defective with their excessive amount of empathetic functioning.

There frequently exists a history of intense grief in the NT woman’s past prior to meeting her Aspie mate.  It is not until the NT partner’s grief truly begins to subside (which could be years) that she will find herself looking at the man she now shares a bed with and wondering, “Who the f**k is this guy?!?” or “What was I thinking?!?!?”

I think this can be said of women who have been in abusive relationships prior to meeting their Aspie husband as well.  There is something about the extremely-empathetic NT after suffering a trauma through death, abuse, or abandonment that makes her acutely vulnerable to her own emotions and in danger of emotional collapse (or so she thinks).

It is the absence of empathy and emotionally charged behaviors that causes her to gravitate toward her Aspie partner.  It is not that she is aware he is devoid of the cognitive processing paramount in her life (for I assure you, she is not) it is that he seems to “be keeping it together” and putting things in a rational perspective for her while she is struggling to function from day to day.

For the Aspie partner, finding a woman who is not coming at him with flurries of emotionally-charged chatter every second (that he cannot process and will do anything to avoid) feels like a godsend.  He is able to utilize the small bits of affective/emotional empathy he does possess with her because the cognitive empathy he lacks is not a huge factor in the beginning.

The NT has no reason to doubt anything and (being an NT-e) is likely able to pick up on the small bits of emotional empathy he shows, so no alarm bells sound.  She is in a fragile state of mind, and he becomes the glue keeping her together.

This makes her feel grounded and safe.

A woman in this state of mind (which again, can last many years) is often subconsciously seeking that Yin of opposing forces to stabilize her Yang.  The last thing she can withstand is someone dumping more emotional baggage on her.  Without realizing it, she decides that this man is the very thing she so desperately needs in her life.

I have noticed a familiarity in the women similar to myself who initially say their Aspie partner was funny and made them laugh, and that his sense of humor was particularly needed by her at the time she met him (something the text books want you to think Aspies lack).  These women also cite his childlike innocence and profound intelligence as major draws to him when the relationship first began.  Dr. Attwood pays mention to this in his book, The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome (Attwood, 2007), whereby he points out very appropriately why an NT woman would initially choose her Aspie mate.  He also speaks of an often overlooked quality that the majority of Aspie men have that mistakenly causes an NT women to perceive him as an ideal companion: limited past relationships.  NT women see this as an endearing and positive attribute that causes a misperception of a kind and gentle man who will not use or mistreat her.  Considering there is a high likelihood the NT woman is vulnerable, be it from a loss or having been in an emotionally or physically abusive previous relationship, there could not be a more “perfect” quality to display to her than a man who is the opposite of a womanizer.  Because Aspie men do not communicate on the same frequency as an NT woman, nor do they view the world through the same eyes, the NT woman also begins to see his apparent “difference” in behavior as mysterious.

At this point, the NT woman has found herself drawn to a man who is gentle, humorous, intelligent, innocent, and intriguing. He has chosen to give her his time and attention when he had obviously not found many other women worthy of this in his past… this makes her feel particularly important and special.  It will later be discovered that maybe he was not “withholding” himself from other females prior to meeting her, perhaps he was not “hiding” his profound emotions waiting for trust to develop before he opened up, and he might not be the gentle giant she first perceived afterall.

The man she fell in love with has Asperger’s Syndrome.  The emotional collapse she was seeking to avoid by choosing him will suddenly become the reason she can no longer stomach loving him.

…Let the internet searches begin…

 LET’S TALK DEFECTIVE…

 

An Asperger husband is defective

He lacks the cognitive ability to put himself in another person’s shoes the way others can, has little to no self-awareness, and is unable to tap into the important and necessary executive functioning of Theory of Mind (ToM).  Although the majority of the population has this ability, there are varying levels of how pronounced ToM (or empathy) is in their lives and interpersonal relationships.  For the Asperger man ToM appears to be completely and utterly non-existent and therefore… a defect.

Guess what?

You (the NT partner) are equally defective

Most individuals have the ability to be empathetic toward others and fall somewhere in the middle of the empathy-continuum.  An average NT possess Theory of Mind functioning skills, but it does not cause notable amounts of chaos in their everyday existence.

The NT woman who marries an Aspie man… more often than not falls on the extreme end of the empathy continuum and possesses such an acute level of self-awareness, they unintentionally tap into their use of Theory of Mind more than they can emotionally withstand.  For these individuals, empathy becomes the root cause of life choices that they retrospectively identify as mistakes.  Their extreme empathetic ability is an equal defect to that of their Aspie partner’s absent one.  These women are “NT-e.”

 It is important to identify who I am typically referring to in my posts and understand that I am predominantly discussing NT-e’s and Aspies… the two defective subgroups in society who do not realize how defective and disabled they are until they attempt to coexist.

This does not have to be disabling.

It is often suggested that the more empathetic an individual, the more deserving they are of being regarded as superior members of society.  By this account, the NT-e members of our world are profoundly more important than the Aspies, right?

Not quite

It is also suggested that some of the most significant persons of all time who changed the world with their brilliance… were completely lacking in ToM abilities.  So then the Aspies are more important in the grand scheme of things then?

Let me clarify by using an article published by TIME magazine called, Who’s Biggest: The 100 Most Significant Figures in History (Skiena & Ward, 2013).  In this article, the contributors utilized notable means of breaking down who the western world considers to be the most substantial people of all time by using varying methods to extract data throughout history to compile a list of names (an interesting read).

Even if you are unaware of the personal accomplishments of each individual or disagree, the majority of names that comprise the whole will be familiar to you and you will be able to immediately pick out some NT-e and Aspie suspects throughout our history.  This list is obviously not the only one of its kind and if you glance at others you will see names like Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Florence Nightingale, Oprah Winfrey, Harriett Beecher Stowe, and “the” Dalai Lama being offered up as historical examples of NT-e people who changed the world with their empathetic influence.  It is not a challenge to find equal lists of this kind with names like Thomas Jefferson, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Henry Ford, and Bill Gates being named as suspected Aspies who profoundly altered our world in positive ways (of note that there are few women in history on this list).

What Does This Mean?

Jesus was the ultimate empathetic leader and advocated for peace, forgiveness, and following the word of God according to Christian historical accounts.

Mohammed was the most compassionate leader and prophet who advocated for peace, forgiveness, and following the word of Allah according to Islamic historical accounts.

Mother Teresa’s missionary work saved the lives and mental health of the impoverished and abused across 25 countries by the time she died in 1997.  She dedicated her life and soul to altruistic acts for humanity in lieu of herself.

The list goes on and on…

It is in thanks to the highly empathetic leaders in our past that I can appreciate the world we live in today and believe in a better tomorrow.  Awesome!

Thinking of all the love harnessed from such amazing spiritual guides makes me feel hopeful for our future as a civilization.  Makes me happy to be one of the defective few with extreme empathy.

Feels like driving in my truck down an open highway on a windy and sunny day toward a vacation I have longed for my whole life!

 Hang on…

Stop the truck.

If I am correct (after hours of attempting to accumulate accurate statistical data… which I concede may be entirely flawed) there have been over 15-35 million deaths in the name of Christianity and 2-19 million lives abolished in the name of Islam since the turn of the century?

Didn’t Mother Teresa vehemently condemn abortion and contraception?  Haven’t over 47,000 women died this year alone from trying to have an abortion under unsafe conditions in areas where the majority condemn the practice?  Aren’t Anti-Abortion extremists a top threat to national security right now in the United States?  Didn’t we recently discover that over 3,000 Catholic priests have been accused of raping children (between the age of 3 and 14) over the last 50 years?!?  Oh dear “God” something feels misaligned here…

So Empathetic leaders have not ultimately paved the way toward a compassionate and peaceful society?

Reverse the truck, let’s try a different route….

Asperger’s Syndrome was here for only a short moment in time before it was whisked away into oblivion and lumped into Autism Spectrum Disorder.  It is not unreasonable with the limited time frame existing to give an official diagnosis that a professional on the subject matter could look at historical figures and posthumously agree upon which ones likely had AS.  In review of who the subject-matter-experts now believe warranted the diagnosis of Aspergers, we come upon some of the most prolific individuals in all of history.

Tesla for example; imagine the millions of lives that would not exist today without the use of light (that he enabled harnessing and distribution of), or the use of modern X-rays, robotics, and lasers in health care (among so many other contributions to society he made).  Imagine our world without the brilliance of Henry Ford or Bill Gates.

Seriously, just try for a moment.

Humanity has been connected, hardships realized, and empathy thrown into full view to acknowledge and respond to… all because of the unity created by innovators like these men.  We have answers and assistance at our fingertips; a telephone call, internet search, car, plane, train, or boat ride away… and we have Aspies to thank for this!

Ok, great!  I feel better now.  Cruising along on my new path toward serenity knowing that Aspies rock and have truly made our world what it is today!

 BREAK!!!!

HITLER WAS A FU**ING ASPIE!!!

Over 11 million….ELEVEN MILLION people were HORRIFICALLY MURDERED under the direction of ONE MAN believed to have Asperger’s syndrome!!  (I don’t like it either, but the Aspie-experts all seem to agree on this).

I am out of the truck on my knees in nausea trying to figure out where the good people are in this world that I am supposed to look toward for direction!  

This road trip is over.

 

Time to focus on what really matters in lieu of the overwhelming big picture

             You can spin yourself in a million directions trying to make sense of how you came to live with a man who can often make you feel so horrible… that you could not possibly be more different from.  You can go back and forth trying to make sense in your head of whether or not you are the better human compared to your husband, or which one of you has the “right” perception of reality.  You can continue to fall down these rabbit holes (like I just purposely took you down) as I have so many times, or you can accept the simplicity of it all.

There are three types of people in this world (excluding severe mental/developmental health diagnoses and disorders):

  1. Extremely Empathetic people (NT-e)
  2. Zero-Empathy people (Aspies) or (Psychopaths) <—not AND/or… OR (Aspies are NOT psychopaths!)
  3. Those who fall somewhere in between

 

Being in the middle of the continuum would be ideal.  It would feel amazing to just “be normal” for once, wouldn’t it?  Isn’t that what you want?  Don’t you think that’s what your husband wants?

 

You are not normal & neither

is your Aspie husband

 

Although I understand how you came to be, and how I came to be with John, I still struggle to make sense of it.  I still struggle every day to come up with one good reason why our magnetically opposing lives make sense together.

I do not have the answer just yet, but I believe it is something more than chance that leads us here (for those that have stayed after fully comprehending what we are up against).  I believe it lies somewhere in the reality of who we are individually.

We were not born normal, we were both born defective by all of societal norms.

There is no legitimate argument anyone can make for why an Aspie is better than an NT-e as a whole, or vice versa.  However, one argument I will unequivocally attest to (fight me if you want) is this…

 If you go in search of ANY compilation of human beings in history who have dramatically changed the world with their individual accomplishments

Good or Bad… 

You are going to find an Aspie or NT-e.

 

I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE NOT NORMAL.  

ONLY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ANSWER IF THIS DEFECT MAKES YOU STUPID!

IT IS TIME TO DECIDE…

 

IS YOUR DEFECT A

 

GIFT

 

OR

 

CURSE

 

 

When you can answer this… 

 

You will either decide you ARE stupid for allowing a “defect” to destroy you, or you will resolve to no longer compare yourself to the “norm” and accept your defective neurological make-up.  The moment that happens, you can begin utilizing this gift to transform the world for the better (or perhaps just your marriage). 

 

 


18 Responses to NEUROTYPICAL WIFE: WHY AM I SO STUPID?

  1. Avatar Debbie
    Debbie says:

    Thank you for this post. I have thought for a while that my husband’s behaviors are not “normal,” but only recently realized how my reactions to those behaviors are not “normal” either. This post put into words what has been floating around in my head.

    • Thank you Debbie! I think the first step to us healing from the woes of our Aspie/NT relationship struggles is to realize it is just as much about how we are perceiving things incorrectly (by instinct) as it is that they are displaying things incorrectly (by instinct). Two imperfectly perfect people in a world that could not be more opposite, but also so beneficial if the middle ground can be found. More to come.

  2. Avatar Merryinmarch
    Merryinmarch says:

    Recently been diagnosed as an aspie woman, suspect that my husband is NT but with aspie traits. Totally realize now why my parents relationship was the way it was. My dad is a text book aspie! I truly love your insights. Your compassion and ability to step out of your immediate situation and look at the big picture and the real reason behind why things are the way they are, makes me have faith in humanity. I wish we as a society had a bit more tolerance for neurodiversity and you give me hope. The darkest nights really do make the brightest stars.

  3. Pingback:WHY IS IT UNFAIR TO SAY ASPIES HAVE ZERO EMPATHY? – Happy Asperger Marriage

  4. Avatar Saffron
    Saffron says:

    I loved this and your blog is the first I have read that so describes my life. In your opinion what would a normal NT reaction be to an aspie? I am an NT-e and hubby is Aspie. I am done and ready to go. I am now shut down from him. It will take me a long time to get over the anxiety I have about him. Yes I met him when I was early in sobriety and come from an abusive home.

    • When you say a “normal” NT I am assuming you mean a neurotypical that does not fall on the extremely high end of the empathy spectrum? My response to this is going to be a little off-putting to some:

      I don’t think this dynamic occurs often.

      Sure there are tons of Aspies who were raised with incredibly positive coping mechanisms that enable them to function without the more severe behaviors I speak of in my husband; sure there are plenty of NT’s who are of a “normal” empathetic function; and sure these two get together. In these dynamics I think there is a high rate of divorce whereby the NT with average functioning cognitive empathy still ends up feeling hurt by their Aspie mate, but the decision to leave usually comes under the misperception that the two have “grown apart” or that both parties just do not feel understood and “loved” the way they deserve and opt to call it quits. I think those in this dynamic are rare and they either accept that this is “just the way it is” and settle, or they leave under more amicable terms that an NT-e/Aspie couple would.

      The reason I think this type of dynamic is rare is because #1. Very few Aspies exist in my generation (perhaps the future will see better) whereby the Aspie ever develops positive coping mechanisms for the challenges they face growing up in an NT-dominant society. #2. An NT of average empathetic function is likely going to leave their Aspie boyfriend pretty early on for not having their needs met and recognizing they “deserve better.” These NT’s will assume their boyfriend is selfish or narcissistic and not recognize any of the emotional empathy they do have.

      A highly empathetic NT (NT-e) on the other hand… these are the ones who can see their Aspie partner’s emotional empathy. They were able to recognize who their boyfriend was on the inside even when it is was not readily visible in daily life. Of course, it is the ability to see what others cannot (because of the highly developed cognitive and emotional empathy they possess) that causes them to also overanalyze and second guess their own initial perceptions. NT-e’s know in their gut that they were not imagining the wonderful man they fell in love with and this deep-rooted instinct causes them to fight (and I mean literally fight) to bring that man into daily existence with his behaviors. NT-e’s also overanalyze themselves and spend a lot of time trying to uncover how their behavior can be adjusted to meet the needs of their Aspie partner (only without the knowledge of cognitive empathy they will always fail at this). NT-e’s keep trying. They keep trying even when their own physical and emotional being is compromised. NT-e’s keep trying until they actually feel that remaining with their Aspie partner will cause their irreparable collapse. NT-e’s usually only leave when it comes down to their life or their Aspie mates. They fight to the death and until that death appears imminent, they do not opt to leave (despite considering it every day along the way).

      NT-e’s and Aspies are the greatest mates on the planet (in my biased opinion) if they can both accept that the Aspie does not have cognitive empathy and the NT-e does. Since this takes a radical alteration in personal perceptions (mostly on behalf of the NT-e) and a willingness to stop fighting to impress their own view of the world onto the other as fact… it often leads to a chaotic, emotional, and equally damaging assault on both individuals instead.

      In nearly all Aspie-NT marriages I have seen, the NT can be dubbed an NT-e.

      Does that help?

  5. Avatar Saffrom
    Saffrom says:

    Thank you. After being in and around Aspies for most of my life. I don’t know what is real anymore. Our discussions just go around and around and then they act like nothing has happened and I feel so screwed up. Husband says he wants to be married to me but is not making the effort to change and when I discuss what I need, he argues with it. I am so tired.

  6. Avatar Tara
    Tara says:

    Just love, love reading your posts. I finally feel as though someone “gets” it. Although, I’m 20+ years into my marriage, and didn’t have the internet to help explain why I thought I was losing my mind for the first 10 years. According to the Jung/Briggs Myers personality test, I’m an Advocate, only 2% of the population, and the most empathetic personality type. So of course, I married an Aspie! I can’t say that I had a defining moment of having suffered a loss or abuse. However, I was a sensitive and shy child, with a domineering and verbally abusive father. I think I was seeking a partner who was the opposite, and he attracted me exactly for the reasons you described – it’s like you’re in my head! He was smart, extremely funny, gentle and kind. The only difference was, we met in high school. We went separate ways for awhile in college, but he was always in the wings, waiting for me. But soon after marriage, I became stressed, not understanding the difficulties we seemed to be having and why he was like a child more than an adult. I still struggle weekly with our communication barriers and seek answers to his inexplicable behaviors. I know he loves me and our children, but I don’t think he really wants to change. I’m so tired of being the only adult in the house. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your research, they really do help to prop up other depressed, exhausted spouses.

    • Thank you, that just made me cry. I think my tears are a combination of feeling incredible empathy toward you, and an absolute feeling of astonishment that all of the pain I went through… all of the nights I sobbed myself to sleep feeling so hopeless and defeated… they were all worth it.

      I just left my husband’s side after he fell asleep and came out to my porch to read over the post I plan to put up tomorrow when I saw your response. I came home from work late tonight, for the third day in a row of working over 15 hours and sleeping less than four in between; I walked into a beautifully clean home (with a candle burning) and dinner made for me. I watched a movie with John and rested my head on his chest as he stroked my hair and told me he loved me until he fell asleep.

      Nine months ago (shortly before I began this website) I had lost all hope. If someone told me I was going to write the paragraph above during that awful time in my life, I would not have believed them. I probably would have wept out of disbelief and sadness that a night like tonight could never be possible with a man who showed no regard for my feelings and zero emotional connection to me.

      I did not believe John would ever want to change, nor did I believe he had the capacity to.

      Don’t lose that small flicker of hope left in you, it can ignite an incredible fire when you need warmth the most. I know that sounds cheesy, but it was the tiny spark that I could not put out (even when I desperately wanted to) that inspired the life I have now.

      If you know in your core that your husband loves you, then trust in the fact that he does want to change. He wants to change whatever he can if it makes sense and seems worthy of the effort, just as you do. The problem (as you pointed out) was that up until very recently… nothing made sense and no efforts seemed beneficial, so there was never a reason to shift behavior. Please learn everything you can about cognitive empathy (nonverbal communication) and then try to gear your own communication with the knowledge that he cannot utilize cognitive empathy as you do. If you do this, your husband may finally feel loved, valued, and understood for the first time in his life and be able to give all of those things back to you.

      There is no time length in a relationship that renders it “too late” to find happiness with one another, so please don’t allow that number to ever justify defeat. I always tell people to read WHY AM I SO ANGRY because I hope that it shows the degree of challenge I saw in my husband and why I could not see a potential for meaningful change. I truly felt like more of a resentful mother to a rebellious and unappreciative teenager than a wife or partner. All of those behaviors I deemed concrete began to shift once I learned to shift my own. I believe this can change other marriages if it managed to change my own (even if the Aspie-NT couple has been married 40 years).

      Thank you so much for writing this comment, it means more to me than you can imagine.

  7. For over a year, I have been struggling with the recognition that my sometime partner of 13 years is an aspie. Other blogs and websites contain the rants about what an asshole he is. Your site is breathtakingly insightful. I am definitely an NT-e and met my partner when I was experiencing PTSD many years ago. We fit like a glove. Now that I’ve recovered and feel quite stable, I Question why I am torturing myself. But oh yeah, he can be sweet, helpful, innocent, oh so very truthful, and we have always had a weird and amazing connection. I have been going to Al- Anon to help myself understand why I stayed with someone who not a only is aspie, but has substance abuse issues. Coming across your site has given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

  8. Avatar Christine
    Christine says:

    I found my life written on this website…and I do not know what to do.

  9. Avatar Marie
    Marie says:

    I have been spending a lot of time today trying to decide if I have a gift or curse and reading the end of your post made me laugh. Thanx ❤

  10. Avatar Tricia
    Tricia says:

    I stumbled upon your blog as I lay awake at 3:30am. I am unable to sleep as my husband had yet another meltdown because I was stressed after he and our 17 year old got in an argument over a pizza wrapper.

    Yes a pizza wrapper. My husband wanted it thrown away right then and exactly how he wanted it thrown away. Rolled up from the edges to avoid cheese from going on the counter. My 17 year old asked why it mattered how it was done as long as it was cleaned up. This led to a temper tantrum by my husband.
    I cannot take the outbursts, the control tactics, the lack of seeing others opinions, the silent treatments, the blame game, etc.
    I’m at my breaking point. I’m tired of crying and having no one to lean on.
    The small glimmer of hope was finding your blog and knowing I’m not alone.
    You see my husband has never been diagnosed. And everytime I suggest things I end up being the crazy one that needs mental help. Ironically as this point I do as I’m not coping well any longer. Being a parent to him in addition to the kids really really sucks!
    I don’t know where to go for help or what to ask for.
    Are there support groups?
    Thanks for putting yourself out there and helping us in the same situation.

    • Thank you for sharing your struggles, every comment from readers like yourself is another person telling those in an NT/Aspie relationship that they are not alone…and they are NOT CRAZY! I wish I had better resources to share on support groups that are beneficial, but I am still 3 months away from leaving a remote island that hasn’t any support for such a “unique” dynamic (I doubt if we are as unique as we think when I get time to log on to read/respond to comments; the number of weekly views on this website are blowing my mind!). I have not found any support groups online that benefited me personally, but that doesn’t remove hope that they exist. If anyone else reading knows of one, please share with us! I plan on starting one in the near-future and getting more info out to all of you; just gotta get through the next few months of 75+ hour (night shifts) a week and settle into my new job (that is looking like a 9-5 weekday one, so I shall be free once again to post obnoxious rants!).

      Where you stand right now does “suck” and it’s perfectly ok to acknowledge that and still have hope in your heart. The teenager/Aspie interaction you mentioned is all-too familiar to me (painfully so); my daughter is 16 and sometimes those needless confrontations kill my soul more than any time my husband and I have battled it out in the past. This is one of the topics I will put up the moment I can (I have so many that are close to completion, if I could only get a full day to go through one or two).

      Thank you again for sharing.

      • Avatar T Renner
        T Renner says:

        If you’re looking for online support, I belong to a Facebook group that has been very beneficial. It is a closed group, and the admin will want to “check you out”, to screen for trolls. However the group includes women from all over the world and the discussion threads are amazing. It is called Aspergers Support: NT Women Who Love an Adult Aspie. If you are on FB, I suggest you take a look and ask to join.

      • Avatar Kathy
        Kathy says:

        Can hardly wait for you to start a support group!!

        • Avatar Kathy
          Kathy says:

          Been reading/studying up on spiritual gifts in the Church. It seems that the majority of these marriages have the Aspie as “prophet.” And the NT as “shepherd.” When working TOGETHER, these ‘opposite’ giftings totally compliment one another!! But it takes embracing our weaknesses as God’s platform to work In and THROUGH us, by the empowerment of His indwelling Holy Spirit. Thanks so much for this blog!!!