READ THIS ONE FIRST

PROMISES

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU HAVE READ ONE OF THESE…

 

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband. David Finch (2012)
22 Things...

 

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome. Rudy Simone (2009)

 

alone

 

Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work.  Katrin Bentley (2007)

 

AS in Love

 

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs. Maxine Aston (2003)

 

AS in LT Relationships

 

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships. Ashley Stanford (2002)

 

Life With a Partner or Spouse With Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Savings You and Your Relationship. Kathy Marshack (2009)

 

The Other Half...

 

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): A Guide to Living in an Intimate Relationship with a partner who is on the Autism Spectrum. Maxine Aston (2014)

 

The Asperger Couple's Workbook

 

The Asperger Couple’s Workbook: Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors. Maxine Aston (2008)

 

 

Solving the Relationship Puzzle

 

Autism Aspergers: Solving the Relationship Puzzle–A New Developmental Program that Opens the Door to Lifelong Social and Emotional Support. Steven E. Gutstein (2000)

Insights

 

Asperger Marriage and Relationships: Insights from the Front Line. Karen Slee (2016)

 

 

Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships

 

Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and Long-Term Relationships. Ashley Stanford and Liane Holliday Willey (2014)

 

Asperger Syndrome Explained

 

Asperger Syndrome Explained: How to Understand and Communicate When Someone You Love Has Asperger’s Syndrome. Sara Elliott Price (2015)

 

Aspergers THE DISEASE

 

Asperger’s: The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome – How To Treat And Help Your Loved One Cope With the Disease. Hannah Warner (2015)

Another INCOMPLETE GUIDE

 

Asperger’s: Asperger’s Syndrome – A Complete Guide To Understanding, Loving, And Communicating When A Family Member Has Asperger’s. Cindy Hope (2015)

 

Another Guide to burn

 

Asperger Syndrome: Aspergers Syndrome- A Complete Guide on Aspergers Symptoms, Causes, Effects and Best Possible Treatments to Cure It. Mark Anderson (2015)

 

Understanding your partner

 

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner.  Cindy Ariel PhD and Stephen Shore EdD (2012)

 

An Asperger Marriage

 

An Asperger Marriage. Christopher Slater-Walker (2002)

 

 

Asperger Syndrome – A Love Story. Sarah Hendrickx (2007)

Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): Successful Strategies for Couples or Counselors.  Eva A. Mendes and Stephen M. Shore (2015)

 

Out of Mind

 

 

Out of Mind – Out of Sight: Parenting with a Partner with Asperger Syndrome (ASD). Kathy J. Marshack Ph.D. (2013)

 

Comprehensive Guide

 

Asperger Syndrome: A Comprehensive Guide for Understanding, Living with, and Treating Asperger Syndrome. Frank Ryan (2015)

 

 

Adult Asperger’s Syndrome: The Essential Guide. Kenneth Roberson (2016)
AS and Adulthood

 

Aspergers and Adulthood: A Guide to Working, Loving, and Living With Aspergers Syndrome. Blythe Grossberg PsyD (2015)

 

 

Very late diagnosis AS

Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): How Seeking a Diagnosis in Adulthood Can Change Your Life. Philip Wylie (2014)

 

Tasmanian Devil

 

Loving the Tasmanian Devil – Reflections on Marriage and Asperger Syndrome. Maureen McCarthy Bartlett and Kirsten McBride (2011)

 

Mr. Spock

 

Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger’s Syndrome. Barbara Jacobs (2004)

 

 

Connecting with AS Partner

 

Connecting with Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy. Louise Weston (2011)
 

 

Ok, I gotta ask…

Which one of these books gave you the answers you were seeking when you purchased it?

Which one of these books clarified the exact neurological difference between your brain and your husband’s; you know… the “reason” for your disconnect?

Which one do you credit with helping to turn your failing marriage around and improve communication in your relationship?

Let me guess…

None of them?

I am certain one or two of these books provided you with a hearty amount of scientific terms and listed characteristics linked up to Asperger’s syndrome, right? That’s a plus (I guess).  Unfortunately, I will also bet that none of them served as the catalyst to transform your own unhappy relationship into something wonderful.

How do I know this?

This blog has not generated enough traffic to show up in the first few pages of any search engine by simply typing an Asperger-related sentence.  This tells me that if you are reading my post, you have likely run the gauntlet of Aspie/NT keywords and possibly even made it many pages into the search results tabs already.  Maybe you got tired of the same nonsense coming up as “relevant” topics and wondered if anything new had been created in the last year, month, week, or even day?  Logic dictates that if you have stumbled on this puppy, you have already exhausted the other “gems” that claim to have useful information that can help you navigate through your NT-Aspie relationship (or justify why you should run from it).  

I do not wish to imply that all of the books listed above are worthless pieces of sh#t; I even provided links on the few I personally recommend reading at least once. While not all of them are time-consuming pieces of utter crap, some of them fall well-below my tolerance threshold and should be burned in protest of the author’s damning ignorance.  I really needed most of these books at one point or another over the past five years; if not for the comfort of knowing I was not alone or imagining things, they gave me ways to occupy my brain in lieu of focusing on how miserable I was. 

Since I am old school, prefer print, and have lived on an island where bookstores are non-existent for the last 2.5 years, awaiting the arrival of one of these books gave me something else I needed…. HOPE

I had so much hope that one of them would hold the answers I was seeking, but they never did.

Before you spend another penny on your search for answers, I ask that you give this blog a chance.  There is enough in here already (although it is rather new) to occupy your brain as long as reading at least three of those books; yes, I am silly enough to have looked at word-counts to validate this.

I cannot promise you the same pretty editing the books have; quite the opposite really.  My writing is raw and unfiltered with some challenges imbedded in it that will surely have you reading the same paragraph a few times before it makes any sense at all (sorry… it made sense to me when I wrote it!).

What I can promise you is that I have read all of these books… several times (except the truly useless ones that I used as kindling).  I can promise you that half of the books are just personal accounts of one woman’s relationship with her Aspie husband; if that is what you are seeking, I can offer the same (just go to the page: WHO).  We all have fairly similar tales to tell about feeling emotionally abandoned, so there is no point reading more than one if there is no constructive advice or information behind a story that tells you, “You’re not alone.”

The other half of the books will give you the exact same regurgitated information about Asperger’s syndrome that can be found with a simple Google search on the term.  Actually, the Wikipedia page on Asperger’s syndrome has about 75% more information to offer than any of those “complete guides” do, so do yourself a favor and click that imbedded link instead of wasting your time and energy on those worthless texts.   

I am not special.  I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist and I do not have scientifically-proven information to offer that will have your head spinning around. Guess what though?  Those “specialists” have even less information than I do to help your relationship considering those nitwits couldn’t even agree on what Asperger’s syndrome was!  

I cannot promise you that what has worked for me will unquestionably work for you, but I can promise you that the information I have to share in the rest of this blog has not just come from personal experience and reading all those books.  All of the information I give has come from countless hours of researching neurology, genetics, behavioral forensics, psychology, psychiatry, sociology, child-development, peer-reviewed research articles, professional literature (to include the DSMs), counseling with “Asperger experts” and those without a clue, doggedly following blogs written by parents who have children “on the spectrum,” those written by adult neurotypicals (men and women) and those written by adult Aspies (men and women), as well as reading over thirty other books, countless articles, and a ton of studies on children (and parenting) specific to Asperger’s syndrome.

I can promise you that I have sacrificed the better part of five years attempting to implement every single piece of advice out there and watched damn-near every one of them fail.  I can promise you that anything beneficial I uncovered or that I found to help my own marriage… will be shared with you (with the most important piece of advice already posted).

The best promise I have to offer is that the conclusions I have come to after five years of incredible struggle, have truly saved my marriage to date and enabled the start of a transformation that has the potential for continued success.  

My husband and I were in a terribly depressing and debilitating relationship and we both began to lose ourselves emotionally, physically, and intellectually because of it. I am not promising you that you will (or even can) find the same happy, successful, and mutually beneficial marriage my husband and I are beginning to develop (it is still early and this is no easy path to take)… but if you read about how awfully destructive our relationship once was and the simplicity of what finally enacted change, I am willing to put money on the fact that it stands a chance at helping your own (I will go out on a limb and promise that my advice will not “harm” your relationship).  

I promise I am not going to tell you to raise your chin up and just accept the things you cannot change that are hurting you.  I am not going to tell you that you need to learn how to “agree to disagree,” or that you should consider finding alternate means to satisfy your need for emotional reciprocity outside of your marriage (nor will I ever submit to the stupid notion that your Aspie husband will never be able to give you that). I promise I will never try to convince you that the only way you can find happiness is to come to terms with the “parallel” existence you and your husband are destined to have (another crock of shit the professionals still spew out daily).

Here is another promise that no “professional” will ever give you:  I promise that I will never charge you a single penny for any of the knowledge I have to share.  I know you have already spent enough and charging people to gain information that may enable them feelings of well-deserved peace and joy is just not something I can ethically consider in my life.  If you do find something I mention throughout my blog that seems worthy of purchasing for yourself, I have links throughout my website that will direct you to Amazon, where you can usually find the cheapest price for whatever I am recommending.  I promise you that I could not care less about you using a link I place within my posts to acquire one of those items, but I will disclose that by doing this you will most likely throw some change my way (which really is just pennies most of the time).  I am telling you this only because I promise to be completely transparent in everything I say, suggest, or do in regard to this website and it is important for me to tell you that my motivation in “blogging” is not the same as most bloggers in existence today.  The sole reason I have opted to use Amazon (and only Amazon) as an affiliate website for the duration of this blog is to cover the annual cost of maintaining the website itself.  I am not doing this to turn a profit, I am doing it because I promised myself long ago that I would never waste another one of my hard-earned dollars on the subject of Asperger’s syndrome ever again. This personal promise is not because I would decline spending countless dollars on the potential to help men like my husband, women like myself, or children and families who do not need to suffer the way we have… but because I now know that all of the information I needed to save my marriage and our mental health came from my own belief in who my husband was; it never came from a single thing I shelled out cash to obtain.

I have always been immensely turned-off by the websites that have enticed me with the potential for help in my relationship, only to find myself staring at the same misleading or basic information condensed around a page of pop-up ads, billboards, and links to purchase completely irrelevant trash.  I believe it takes around 100,000 new readers a day to ever reap a considerable amount of monetary reward enough to exceed the cost of a hosted website like mine, yet I speak in total truth when I say I am unquestionably thrilled beyond words to know that 100 people per day are even managing to find this blog!  I will be forever satisfied if even half that number continue to arrive where you have today.  

The thought that my blog and the truth I have to share could someday make it to a place of recommended consideration for struggling Aspies or NT’s is beyond gratifying to me. To think there could eventually become enough people (from those reading this blog each day) validating that my very simple advice has also saved their marriage; that has become a pipe-dream of hope to me.  I long for the day that the simplicity of what separates an Aspie brain from a neurotypical one becomes common knowledge to the point that neither is considered “normal” and we exist in a symbiotic way that enhances one another’s lives.  I imagine a world where both Aspie and NT children learn about one another’s differences so that they grow into adults with open minds who value one another instead of criticizing and rejecting one another.  I dream about that would…where children and adults just accept that there are variations in reality based on the way our mind processes information and both of them are equally valid. If there stands even a remote possibility that our united advocacy could someday become contagious and potentiate the need for change in our world for Aspies and the NT’s who love them; that alone would be priceless to me.

Don’t get me wrong, if someone offered me tons of cash to “quit my day job” so I could research and write about Asperger’s syndrome all day, I would happily jump at that opportunity.  If there ever comes a time that something I write becomes a steady source of income, I promise I would do exactly that.  If by some miracle I ever acquired enough financial means to fund my own genetic or “professional” studies on Aspie adults, or could pay to prove just how prevalent Asperger’s syndrome actually is in our society to the point it would no longer be deemed a “disorder” – I promise you all that money would be forcefully hurled in that direction.  

Sadly, the words Asperger’s syndrome are rapidly fading from public vocabularies so my secret dreams of funding an extravagant research study to better the lives of those like us… will have to remain a pipedream (for now).  

While I might not have the money for such big ventures, I could still afford to invest in books, counseling, seminars, movies, journals, tailored behavioral therapies, and many of the other available resources that promise to improve my marriage. I absolutely promise myself that I will never consider doing something so colossally absurd and wasteful ever again.  I have already blown an embarrassing amount of money supporting enough clueless “experts” who have never offered anything but additional confusion, resentment, and hopelessness in my marriage (some offered a few good reads on their life story though).  

So you can opt to go down the same fruitless road I did and spend money on wishes that will never arrive, or you can trust in the advice of someone who found it based off of love alone and is now living the life she was trying to buy before.  

I never got practical advice that could work in my Aspie-NT union, I never got answers to any of my questions that made sense, and I most certainly never came away from any of them with more hope than I had going in; I usually walked away from these sources feeling more defeated than I thought possible.  The only good that ever came from my exhaustive efforts stemmed from playing the “process of elimination” game whereby I removed the “knowledge” I paid for until I was left with an answer so disturbingly obvious I lost faith in considering anyone else’s “professional” opinion in the future or paying another penny for information that should be disseminated for free and with wanted reckless abandon.

So I promise all of you that I will never suggest you waste your own hard-earned money the way I have.  As you read on, please have faith in the fact that if I linked it, I liked it.  If you do not find an Amazon link to something I mention, it is because I am indirectly recommending you avoid getting duped the same way I was.      

If you are interested in starting at the very beginning of my story (which may help you consider the rest of my posts with less apprehension), I recommend you head here first:  WHO? I promise I have equally matched the information in the NT-Wife books available to you if it is just a “story” you want to read with some similarities to your own relationship that will definitely occupy a lot of your time.  

So those are my promises to you if you choose to continue on with the stories and opinions I have to share.  I have no ulterior motive behind my efforts outside of the most important promise I ever made myself… that if I figured this shit out, I would not remain silent about it.

CHEERS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the record, there is one book I recommend strongly if you just want a foundation of understanding the basics of Asperger’s syndrome before you move forward:

The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. Tony Attwood (2003)

Despite my current displeasure with the therapy readily available to those like us, I promise I will not give up my search for the knowledgeable therapists out there (I KNOW they exist) who could actually benefit us. I promise if I find them, I will share their names with you. At this time, my only recommended therapist (that I have not personally spoken to yet) is a woman by the name of Sarah Swenson (MA, LMHC) out of Seattle, Washington. The underlying tone to her articles thus far are convincing enough to me that she has tailored her therapy around a world she is very familiar with on a personal level. I appreciate her disclosure that she believes her “Life’s Work” is that of a “translator” for Aspie/NT couples and that she appears to have a non-biased approach and appreciation for both sides of this dynamic. She is not a fan of the term “Aspie” which I disagree with for many reasons, but outside of that, she appears to be the best hope for effective assistance. I am going to be seeking her services out from a distance (as you do not need to be in that area for her to work with you) and I will keep you posted on my current belief in her ability to assist in the communication gaps that still present themselves in my marriage. (This paragraph was updated in February, 2017).


7 Responses to READ THIS ONE FIRST

  1. Avatar Leia
    Leia says:

    I don’t know wether to laugh or cry at that list. I have all but 4 of those books, .and the 4 I don’t have are still on my Amazon wish list. Funny, I found most of them pretty useless, and that’s why I have held back buying those last 4. .hiwever, those are ones you have indicated you did like. I guess I started at the wrong end of my list. That being said, Maxine Aston’s books sure helped me feel “not crazy”, but at the same time, they made me feel so frustrated at the fact there is no help for NT spouses suffering through these relationships. I hope you keep writing and sharing. I get that I am not alone now, I just want to figure out how to make it work, with this insanely frustrating man I love so much. You have given my hope. Where 6 months ago I had virtually none. Thank you so much.

    • I don’t mean to bash every author or anything like that (with a few exceptions). Aston is also one of the people who made me feel sane for the first time in a long time, which makes her a great advocate for those in an Asperger relationship. No doubt she has seen a ton of couples falling apart despite therapy and trying incredibly hard to make things work. Due to the fact that she seemed to accurately pinpoint what I was going through, she also served as one of the solidifiers of hopelessness for me (because I believed in her outlook). She is articulate, observant, and also without any advice that enabled an effective change in our marriage and seemed to promote the idea of a parallel existence and finding emotional reciprocity outside of the relationship. I suppose if that is all she has been witness to, she is giving the best advice possible to keep us from emotional-collapse.

      I advocate for Attwood’s book as the starting point because I don’t think he really highlights the future possibilities as being hopeless. He states the facts as he knows them and gives a solid foundation to begin from. He does not discount the cognitive empathy theory at all, he just adds all of the resulting behaviors and characteristics into a more fluid description of an Aspie in general. I found that teasing everything out from the cognitive empathy factor usually explains all of the other behaviors and characteristics, so I see that as the only focus anyone really needs to have in changing the dynamic at play.

      Frustration is going to remain a constant throughout your relationship for a very long time, it is still there is mine (it is often there in traditional NT-NT marriages as well). The thing is, frustration is tolerable and modifiable, the other emotions are not.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the books you have read, I hope others do as well.

  2. Avatar Jemily
    Jemily says:

    Hello, NT wife. I’m just starting this long journey after lot of suffering and immaturity of me, but discover you and your blog was such a relief that my heart settle a little after all the storm I’m living through. Hope tell you my story someday… by now, I just hope it is not too late to have back the love of my life. Thank you.

  3. Avatar HCWanton
    HCWanton says:

    I am so happy I found this post, I have always wondered why me and my Asperger’s husband could never be on the same page, (not realizing he had Asperger’s until our 7 year old was Diagnosed) we have been together for 28 years (he has been the only one)- but we have very rarely been happy, we have separated twice and been to marriage counselors only to have things go back to normal after a short time. What I MUST tell you is I have learned so much in the past two days of reading through your site, one main thing I have learned is to let go of the anger and resentment. From him I have heard “I dont know what your want from me, or you are always angry”- I even more harder because our son has the same mindset or theory of thinking and at times I think I am going crazy trying to figure out what is really being said or done when they do it. Through your posts you said you knew John loved you? how did you know? did he say it? show it? because I get neither and in fact I have gotten the words “although I dont want anything to happen to you-I dont love you like that”- I have said the words I love you and his reply ” I know” -so I could understand him not wanting to “say the words” but he doesnt show it in the way of actions, so I this point I feel I am being used, I have given him a way out a few times but he isn’t budging, my only thought is that it is easier to stay and have me take care of him as a mother? My other issue with my Asperger’s husband is the obsessions, his are usually costly, a new truck every year or new motorcycle, or he will have a project that costs a great deal of time and money and when I relay how I am unhappy with the cost and time he would reply with “why what is it you need?” and I cant give an exact “thing”. Again I will continue to read your posts but I am just amazed at how much you have opened my eyes, I always assumed my husband was more “Asperger” than my son but what I am thinking now is that my son (who is now 13) has had help at a very early age whereas my husband did not -and has now resulted in the ODD you referred to.

  4. A google search of “Aspergers and anger” led me here. Thank you for your wonderful posts and proving a space to feel less alone.

  5. Thank you for doing this. Most all I have seen is about adolescents or to give advice to leave the guy. I have thought about that over and over, but I do love him and believe he loves me. It keeps becoming clearer that something is and has always been wrong with my husband. He was better at concealing it when he was younger. As a retiree, he doesn’t need to practice “normalcy” so much.

  6. Avatar Wendi
    Wendi says:

    Finding your blog can be nothing less than Devine intervention for my marriage! I have read the books you list and each time came away with more knowledge and more hopelessness of ever being happy in my marriage to my Aspergers husband. Your blog has given me hope! With that hope has come joy and renewed strength to keep working on my marriage partnering with my husband rather than being the adversaries we have become. I’ve only read this one post so far, but my husband and I have agree to stop where we are in our reading of the most recent book and instead to start reading your blog together. We both want answers to making our marriage work, not another book that gives no hope. So from the bottom of my heart thank you for persevering in your mission to help ASPERGER-NT marriages!